Dream Real Estate - Oz

(Quick note:  I am not referring to the jail in the HBO series, "Oz".  In fact, I think that jail would have to be the top of list of places I would really rather not live right alongside a Superfund site and this guy’s locker.)

In past week(s) I have dug into the dark depths of my brain to weed out places I would rather live than my apartment.  Not only is this an amusing exercise, but this type of mental venting is also highly encouraged by my therapist.  Two weeks ago I discussed the obvious merits of living in a stadium.  And yes, if you were curious, my letter-writing campaign to Paul Allen to let me live in Qwest Field is well under way.  Oddly enough I have not received a response… 

The first thought that jumped to my mind was a tavern.  However, the obvious reasons for wanting to do so were so similar to the stadium that I felt it was not worth the post.  Great food, lots of TVs, good beer on tap, and apparently everybody knows your name.  Also, I basically paid the rent for the Gold Coast Saloon in downtown San Francisco when I was in my early 20’s, so, I guess I have already done this.

I realized that a place I would like to live is the Land of Oz.  Before going into the pro and cons, I want to make it very clear that I am not one of those people with a unicorn poster on his wall that dresses up in a black cloak, fake glasses, and draws a lightning bolt on his head so that I can wait outside Barnes and Noble for the new Harry Potter book.  Instead, I have a very valid reason for wanting to live in Oz.

What it comes down to is I want to be able to talk to my dog.  If I am wrong, and I am never wrong, animals can talk in Oz.  Besides the limitless fun that hanging at a Zoo in Oz would bring ("hey, Monkey, your cerebellum is underdeveloped and you fling poo for fun!"), it would fulfill that dream that many of us dog owners have of engaging in a good one-on-one every now and then with your best friend.  I think it would be great to ask Harley the following questions:

• Did it occur to you that the living room carpet was not the best place for an afternoon BM?"
• "Did my shoe really taste good, because I found it repulsive?
• "When I am gone, could you learn how to vacuum?"
• "Do you think Regis is better with Kathie Lee or Kelly Ripa?"
• "Isn’t there a better way to say hi to another dog!?!

Really, that’s about it.  But it is one hell of a compelling reason outweighing the obvious cons:

• Infrastructure based on one sorely kept-up brick road.
• Governmental power seems to be decided by who has the ability to fly a hot air balloon and is content to hang behind a screen all day.
• Far too-frequent dance numbers.
• Damn flying monkeys.
• Obvious witch problem, but I am sure that our good friends from Salem can take care of that.

So, there you go.  Based solely on the fact that I could have a good chat with Harley, Oz would be a great place to live.  I know that you all agree with me.

(Oh, and I almost forgot… Jack Bauer.)