Dream Real Estate - Stadiums

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose the infant without even considering if there is a man on base."  - Dave Barry

Ah, the smell of freshly cut grass, the buzz of the crowd, the first bite of a hot dog, and the sounds of a drunken fan cursing out an umpire for missing a call at first in front of a family of four.  Nothing beats being at a sports stadium.  In fact, if I were given the chance, and access to the home team locker room, I would probably live in one. 

Author’s note:  This is the first in a series (at least 3 postings in the next year, I sense a carpal tunnel claim coming my way…) of posts reviewing places I would rather live than my apartment.  Now, don’t get me wrong, the apartment is great as it holds my couch and PlayStation, but it pales in comparison to living in a stadium. 

Now, I would not be choosy in picking which kind of stadium to live in.  Although, if push comes to shove, I would choose football or baseball because it would be a treat to have a trained team of people take care of my lawn.  And I would hate for my six friends (family included) to feel crowded, so basketball is out.  Finally, I would have plenty of room to practice my golf swing.  With this in mind, let’s examine a few of the reasons that would make the ballpark a dream piece of real estate.

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough in the second half you give what’s left." - Yogi Berra

One of the best aspects of living in a stadium would have to be the TV.  Besides the fact that there are hundreds throughout the complex and the Lifetime Network doesn’t come in on any of them, just think how great Jack Bauer would look saving the world on the Jumbotron.  Actually, forget that, imagine standing at the 50-yard line playing guitar hero* on the Jumbotron hooked into the stadium sound system.  It would, honestly, be the single greatest moment of my life.  Topping the time I was the first to play a new Golden Tee at the Marina Lounge and held the longest putt record for two days.  72 feet.

"Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods." - Bruce Carlton

Even more important than the massive TV would be the actual food one could eat.  Once inside a stadium, health concerns are left at the door.  Once again you can eat a diet of sodium, sulfites, hops and not give a damn.  And by not giving a damn, you also won’t feel the ill effects.  It is called "the power of positive not giving a damn."  Didn’t our grandparents live into their 80’s and die happy with a cigarette and scotch in their hands?  And aren’t we all now dropping in our 60’s from a depressed stomach?  Wait, I might have that backwards.  But in my stadium, it wouldn’t matter.  I could eat dogs, peanuts, chocolate malts, and drink large cups of beer all the time and not care.  I could also leave the refuse wherever I wanted and somebody, perhaps my team of dedicated lawn professionals, would pick it up.  Finally, I would have a massive collection of memento cups and I would know the peanut guy on a first-name basis.

"The pitcher has got only a ball. I’ve got a bat. So the percentage of weapons is in my favor and I let the fellow with the ball do the fretting." - Hank Aaron

And finally, two words:  AMPLE PARKING.

Honestly, after reading this stirring testimonial, who wouldn’t want to live in a stadium?  And, heck, I didn’t even bring up the plusses of stainless steel urinals, foam fingers, and acceptable face painting.  I think I will now strive everyday to live in a stadium (hopefully before my 10th reunion so I can tell my college friends I live in a $500,000,000 house).

*  I recently got an 82% playing the bass line on "Carry On My Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero.  It was the medium setting, but I just started.