2942 N Frederick Ave, Milwaukee, WI 53211

When I was five I wanted a Mr. Potato Head more than anything but my parents couldn't afford one. For Christmas I got a taro root with chopsticks for appendages. Yep, I didn't even get a real potato, I got some weird Chinese knockoff root vegetable. Imagine my excitement last week when my son got a Mr. Potato Head. Bewilderingly, within minutes I felt as hollow as that vacuous brown spud in my son's drooly hands. I longed for the joy I once felt stabbing a chopstick into Mr. Taro Root. Two lessons: 1. Always disappoint your children in the most abstruse fashion possible. 2. You can never revisit the past so do things properly, as if you only get one chance. Sorry, I know you're just shopping for an apartment. As my manager at my last job, Arby's, said when she fired me, the drive through window is not for therapy sessions. I'm simply saying, you have an important decision. Do you want to save $30 a month and live in a dilapidated, creepy slumlord house on Cramer (bleh!) or do you want an amazing three bedroom steps from UWM campus offering you the best days of your sweet potato life? The large living room and formal dining room replete with ornate trim work, tall ceilings and oversized windows emanating a soft natural light will transport you to a modern day Game of Thrones castle. We even take care of your lawn and snow because it's important to me that you have enough time to scheme up Machiavellian mousetraps for your future progeny within these royal walls. And what UWM castle is complete without a parking lot and two free-to-use washers and dryers? Plus, for a limited time, if you share a sad/amusing childhood story I'll give you a Mr. Taro Root after our tour (chopsticks sold separately).